As I Look Towards the Ceiling
by Army of Flying Turtles
Summary: "Time is such a strange thing isn't it?" Tsuna hasn't got much time left before he has to face the Millefiore alone. He leaves his broken family his thoughts and feelings in a letter. Set just before the TYL! arc.
1. To My Beloved Famiglia

To my beloved Famiglia,

Time is such a strange thing isn't it? While looking upwards to the ceiling of my office I realized how time passes so quickly when we want it to last the most but when we don't it seems to last for an eternity. I have set the timer and the clock is ticking. By the time you read this my own time will have paused; like a broken watch you might say.

I'm writing this letter so that you will have something to remind you every, single day of my love for all of you and and of how sorry I am that it's come to this. I want you to not loose faith nor resolve and to stand united while my plan unfolds. _Please be patient_.

It seems like only yesterday a certain monster of a baby in a suit and fedora greeted me at my house and then later brandished a chameleon to my head whilst telling me I was to be Vongola's Tenth. I remember how I used to be the butt of everyone's joke back then. I was _'Dame-Tsuna', _I was the kid that always got picked last for everything, I didn't even know the meaning of the word _'friend'. 'Friends' _were a distant luxury it seemed I was not entitled to. How pitiful right? So pitiful that I would wallow in self-pity. But somehow I became _happy _with all of it. The world didn't care for me and I didn't have high hopes for the world. The tapestry of my life was a dull, dead and dreary grey. But you changed that, Reborn. You laid out the foundation of my change and you slowly built upon it with no guarantee that it would succeed. Because of you the tapestry suddenly exploded. It exploded into shades of purple, indigo, blue, green, yellow, orange and red. For that I owe you my life.

Thanks to Reborn, I slowly but surely met all of you guys. My precious people. Some of us didn't get on to a very good start did we? But look at us now! We can barely stay away from each other even if some of us don't want to admit that. To be honest at first I hated my new life. There's no secret to that, I hated it with a passion. I wanted nothing to do with the mafia because all the stories I knew of it were bad one's. Sometimes you guys would drive me up the wall. But later I realized how amazing all of you are and how you each stole pieces of my heart and refused to give them back until they were filled to the brim with love for each of you.

But now Vongola and its children are being hunted down. We are nearing the brink of extinction and I simply cannot allow this. If it means giving up my life to save you guys from being humiliated and butchered as if this was some grand Roman carnival then so be it.

I'm not going to sugar coat things and say that things have been easy. No, we've all seen things nobody should ever see, we've suffered pain, loss, humiliation and sadness. But, when I think about it, the positives really do outweigh those feelings don't they? Everyday we are able to laugh and be happy together. Even if we feel those things, we have each other for support. Not a lot of people can say they have a family as wonderful as you guys but I know I can say it out loud and with pride.

There are not many things I regret but there are a few. I regret not throwing my weight around sooner, I regret not stepping up to my responsibilities sooner, we wouldn't have been in this mess otherwise, I regret not being able to say goodbye to you all properly. I think you can understand how painful that would be and you would try to stop me.

But even though I have those regrets, I'm also hopeful. I'm hopeful that in a while this will all just be a nightmare and we'll wake up to a bright sky. I'm hopeful that you guys will trust me like you always have when I say I know what I'm doing. I'm hopeful we'll be able to laugh together again soon, I'm hopeful for so many things but also that you, Mukuro, will walk the Earth a free man; I've been waiting for you. I'm also hopeful that the Varia won't do anything to my mansion and office but that might be a little _too_ hopeful.

I want everyone to feel hope even though that seems like such a foreign concept now.

Even though I should be afraid, I'm not so don't worry about me, worry about yourselves. I will admit though, this is the _hardest_ thing I have ever had to do but I'll do it and know that I do it so that one day we can all laugh with each other without having to look over our shoulders. Even though I am trembling and the tears won't stop I won't give up, no one can stop me.

Ne, everyone, I realized something not long ago. Something about love I never would have thought of if I wasn't writing this letter.

Love is the mist. Creating something from nothing and nothing from something. It deceives to protect what it loves; hiding it from hate and pain.

Love is the clouds. Aloof, unbound and drifting yet the clouds shield what it loves with a fierce devotion. Watching it from its independent stand point.

Love is the rain. Washing away the blood that had been spilled and easing the tension. It becomes a blessed requiem ready to wash away the pain and sorrow from those it loves.

Love is lightning. Becoming a blazing strike with hidden ferocity, it draws damage away from what it loves with dramatic shows of beauty and power.

Love is a storm. Always at the heart of the front lines it rages restlessly and violently with a reverent desire to protect all that it loves. It goes all out to eradicate danger.

Love is the sun. Brightly shining upon everything it loves it boosts their spirits. Destroying all misfortune with its blazing warmth and piercing rays.

Love is the sky. All encompassing, understanding and accepting. It is the firmament that holds together all that it loves and delights in their happiness.

I just realized that I do not have much time left. I wanted to give everyone something personal, so I give you my thoughts and feelings. It's the best I can do but I think they are worth so much more than gold and finery.

Hayato. My first true friend. Don't you dare blame yourself for this. I forbid it. Don't fight so much with Takeshi, Lambo and Ryohei. You are the best right hand man I could have ever hoped for. No one will ever compare to you and your loyalty is second to none. Remember what you learned so many years ago. Live. Always strive to return home safe and sound ne?

Takeshi. My 'left hand man'. Your cheerful smiles and innocent simplicity are precious gifts that are not to be wasted. Without you the world would be a less joyful place. You ease our worries so effortlessly without ever stopping to think about yourself. Such unselfishness is so hard to find nowadays.

Ryohei. The most passionate person I know. Your 'EXTREMES' can be heard from the other side of the world but they never cease to make me feel extreme too. Your determination and spirit have never failed to renew our resolves and your ability to do more than 1000 push-ups, 1000 sit ups and 10 miles of running in one morning is something I'll never understand.

Lambo. My little Lambo. I remember you bursting into my room with grenades wearing a cow suit but being in tears not even a few minutes later. I felt the need to protect you after that. It tore my heart apart to see you fight and get hurt but you filled me with pride every time you proved how much you had actually grown. Stay strong.

Kyoya. The 'Carnivore'. You always did intimidate me when I was younger but that soon turned into fierce admiration, pride and joy that you were _my_ guardian. Always dependable and unquestionably strong you supported the family and myself so many times I've lost count though you were so adamant you didn't crowd. I'm glad that I've earned your respect. You have lovely singing voice by the way.

Chrome and Mukuro. Complete opposites yet harmonious. Chrome you were so shy when we first met but you had such a strength and determination. Remember that you are _family. _We love you as much as everyone else in our family because you are someone special to us. Don't you ever doubt it. Mukuro, I know that you used to think I was the enemy, part of you still does, but I want to say how sorry I am for leaving you locked up when you gave me nothing but love and trust when we finally sorted out almost all our problems. You _do not_ deserve to still be in that hell-hole after what you've been through. As far as I'm concerned, you've paid your dues. But very soon you will be walking the Earth a free man because I've been waiting for you. I've been waiting for far too long. Just like with Chrome, you are one of my precious people I must protect and nothing is ever going to change that. Both of you may have had no homes with your previous families, but you always have a place in mine.

Mama and Papa. The strangest couple...ever. Mama you were constantly there for us, taking in kids that weren't your own, even though we were lying to you. When we did tell you the truth, you took it so well that I was willing to bet my life that you had hit your head. I don't think you realize how much we all love you and we miss you every single day. Papa I always thought that you were never there for mama and I, I always thought you didn't care but I've learned that you were only gone so long to protect us. You believed with all you heart and soul that I would be a good boss and I thank you for that. You are a good man. Be there for mama while I'm gone.

Kyoko, Haru, I-Pin, Bianchi, Futa, Basil, Dino, Romario, Kasukabe, Lanchia, Doctor Shamal, The Varia and the Arcobaleno. You are some of the craziest people I've met but you have helped me through some of the toughest times of my life and I am doing this for you also because I love you so much. Don't ever change because you are all precious people, though I can just about imagine the disgust on the faces of _some _of you.

Reborn. My stronghold. You can't even begin to imagine how much I miss you. Everyday I expect you to just sneak up on me and make me jump, every time I hear the door open I think it will be you who walks in. It breaks my heart when I realize you're not here anymore. I feel lost without your guidance. Hell, I even miss your 'fists of love'. I would give pretty much anything to bring you back. If tears could build a stairway, and memories a lane, I would run all the way to heaven just to bring you home again. I would run into the flames of hell if I thought it would bring you back to us. There's not a day that goes by where I'm not haunted by the memories of you tired, sick and eventually dying. You never failed me but I failed you. Now I hope to make up for that and to repay you for being the rock on which I depend. You made me what I am today, I owe you my life. No one will ever come close to understanding how much I care for you as my tutor, friend and ally. You became a father to me while mine was risking his life to protect mama and I, thank you. I never told you any of this and I regret it so much.

This has to be one of the longest letters I have ever written but I do not believe it is long enough but I don't know what else to say. I know that words on a page are usually worthless but I hope these words have left you hope. But I know you will cry for me, in your own ways you will cry and I'm crying with you because of the guilt I feel. The once blue sky is now almost black.

I'm minutes away from leaving now to face my destiny at the Millefore Head Quarters but I go there unafraid. The tapestry of my life, I fear, will be dyed a brilliant crimson but the rainbow will shine through it. I feel really cold and tired, like I have been walking for a long, long time without any hope of finding the light. But I think I've finally found it.

So I know that...everything will be OK just as long as you believe in me until the very end. This is not the end, believe it or not you will see me again, maybe sooner than you think.

I know you think that we are doomed to fall to the Millfiore but I'm telling you now that that will NEVER happen because Vongola shall never die. Don't give up hope. As long as I am Vongola's leader we will never let evil like the Millefiore triumph. We will keep fighting until the last child falls. Gather in arms and stay strong. Hold your heads up high with pride because you are strong! The day where we will laugh and cry freely with joy is not far from coming. The day where enemies become allies is near at hand. Do not worry if the time comes for you to join me or if it doesn't because not everything is as it seems. I am waiting for you and I will wait forever.

I can't help but smile right now. Weird I know, but I'm smiling because I know everything is going to be all right.

_Buona notte tutti. Attendere per me, non voglio essere troppo lungo. Ti amo tutti. (Goodnight all. Wait for me, I will not be too long. I love you all.)_

Tsuna.

* * *

**Hey! Just got the idea for this story in my head one day and BAM! I wrote it down :D I really hope you enjoyed reading it and I would really appreciate it if you left a little review with your thoughts on this and any tips you can give me will be a God-send! x**


	2. Sleep

_Tick...tock...tick...tock..._

I have finally finished writing the letter to my beloved famiglia but I just throw my pen down. I simply can't place it gently on my desk when my hands shaking so badly. It's strange because they were so confident while writing just a moment ago. While writing I felt...free. Free to simply let words spill out in the form of ink and I was free to let my hidden feelings rage to the surface. But good things never last do they? I glance at my watch, it was softly reflecting the pale moon light. 11:00pm it reads. I can't stop the tears from falling once again. For the first time I feel the enormity of what I am about to do. It comes crashing down on me like a tonne of bricks.

In one hour I am going to die.

Granted that this particular 'death' wouldn't be everything it appeared to be, but the fear and guilt are overwhelming. There is no fear of the Millefiore, I have never been afraid of them but I'm scared of...the future. Though this time is as close to hell as I've ever experienced, it could get much worse. Our plan might fail. The plan that Irie, Kyoya and I spent months planning while lying to the rest of our famiglia and the suffering that my past self and his family will inevitably go through may all be in vain.

My posture crumbles and I collapse into a broken heap on my desk. Finally feeling the strain and the sharp pain of everything my heartbroken sobs fill the deafening silence in my room. I feel like I'm suffocating and the ache in my heart is too great. This...this whole situation is all my fault! If I had been a better leader...if only I had listened to my instincts. They were screaming at me to rid the world of Byakuran before it was too late but I didn't listen. Now look what's happened. Vongola's children are being hunted like dogs and butchered before its very eyes. Vongola's friends and allies are being persecuted and eradicated like vermin off the streets. Prisoners of war are nothing but a number to the Millefiore. Vongola's children are merely a number to be written off. It makes me sick.

Reborn...help me. I have never felt so lost. This would be so much easier if you were here but your not are you? How pathetic, if you were here right now you would've hit me with the one-tonne mallet by now. But I feel so off balance without your guidance. It's unfair. But I'm doing this for my beloved famiglia, just like you taught me, Reborn, I live and I will now 'die' for the family. I never used to believe in spirits and such but I really do feel like your watching over me. I can only hope that I'll make you proud and make up for how badly I failed you when you have, not even once, failed me.

The sobs that wracked my body to the point of pain have died down. I lift my heavy head high above my desk to look back at my watch. 11:08pm. Two minutes until I will walk down my corridor for the last time in a long time. I get up, taking care that I don't fall over due to the dizziness caused by exhaustion, and I look myself over in the mirror. My eyes are bloodshot and rimmed with black bags, my skin is blanched and sick looking and my gravity-defying hair is lifeless and drooping. But despite all that my eyes hold strength and determination. Hopefully my body language will reflect that later tonight.

I exit my office and while walking down the desolate corridor I can't help but reminisce. The guard asks me where I am going to which I reply with an easy smile and I tell him I am simply getting a glass of water. Hah, simply getting water...I wish. I am feeling so nostalgic I swear I can see the memories right in front of me. Memories of Hayato having a one sided argument with Takeshi while he mearly laughs or a full on argument with Ryohei...or Lambo for that matter. Chrome shyly running to me, bowing low at the waist and whispering a 'good morning, boss' all red in the face and then running off. Hibari nodding his head in acknowledgment but then unleashing his trademark smirk when he realizes that he has a training session with me. Reborn suddenly jumping out of nowhere and taking a seat atop my head. The memories make me smile and a soft, musical chuckle escapes my lips before the tense and foreboding atmosphere I have created engulfs me again.

I step outside after a few minutes. I am at the back of the Vongola estate. Here goes nothing. I light my flame using an A-grade ring and I propel myself into the cold night air before anyone can realize that I am gone. I relish the feel of flying high in the great, vast sky. It's _my_ territory and I'm its guardian. It's the flame coursing through my body. I have claimed it and it is mine. I'm not usually possessive but while flying high in the sky I just can't help but feel that it's home. The chilly air brings a flush to my cheeks and ears and my breath comes out in white puffs.

I finally come to my destination. I look at my watch, it reads 11:45pm. I land on the Earth safely and taking a look at the Millefiore Head Quarters I can say that I am both impressed and dissapointed. Yes, sure it's very grand and shows off considerable amounts of wealth and status but it holds no true elegance or feelings of 'home'. This place is merely a place of work and a place of scheming, plotting and death. I square my shoulders, fix my collar and walk to Byakuran's office with my head held high.

Constantly looking at my watch I find that I reach the white-haired demon's office in just five minutes. I smile to myself. I may have been late constantly when I was younger but now I truly prided myself on being on time. I knock confidently, loudly, and I can here a cheerful, "Come in Tsunayoshi-kuuun!~" on the other side; how vile.

_...10 minutes till doomsday..._

"Good evening Tsunayoshi-kun, please have a seat!"

It amazes me how someone as twisted as Byakuran could remain so cheerful. How could this man, who has murdered and humiliated my children, who launched the hunt against my famiglia, remain so cheerful as if we were simply discussing something as trivial as favourite foods? It makes my blood boil how someone so power-hungry and immoral could act as if he wasn't at risk of damnation by my famiglia's hands. The same famiglia he tortures every, single day. But I won't let him get the best of me

Lets begin.

_...9 minutes..._

"Thank you very much. Also I am grateful that you are giving up some of your...time to see me."

Byakuran's infuriating vulpine smile widens but his eyes are carefully guarded, they reveal nothing. Behind him, I can see Irie trying so hard not to tremble but whilst biting into his bottom lip, I feel the sadness and also the rage rolling off him in waves. His copper hair glows in the moonlight flowing into the pearly white office. His eyes are hidden by his bangs; he is trying so hard not to cry but I can tell he is staring down at the loaded gun in his hands. I see various Millefiore white spell officers with the exact same guns. Perfect. I slowly take my seat. My chin is held up arrogantly, my back straight yet my whole posture's relaxed and with my arms draped languidly over the uncomfortable armchair I am sitting in, I know I look every inch the mafia boss I am. I know my whole aura radiates dominance though that is not the case but there is also overwhelming dignity in me that I refuse to give up.

_...8 minutes..._

"So, you know why your here, so why act so tough? Relax!~ Why must you Vongola always act so stubborn all the time when we can all settle this nicely and be friends?" Byakuran's saccharine tone saturates the room. In conjunction with his smile, I know that if I don't leave here more or less dead then I will leave with a cavity.

A grin spreads across my face, I can't help it, "Because, no matter how powerful you think you are, no matter how much you hunt my children down, you will _never_ win. That's why," I answered silkily.

Byakuran's wide smile drops and hints of anger and frustration seep from his aura. His eyes are still heavily guarded, "You know you've only come here for one reason only! To think you thought that you could bring some sort of peace by entering _my _lair! After all the hard work I put in getting rid of the Arcobaleno-" I almost flinch visibly, "-YOU were the one who destroyed the Vongola rings, ruining my plan in the first place! YOU were the one who was too stubborn, YOU led your already pathetic family to their graves! Well...then again-" a sly, demonic smile replaces his serious expression, "-I think that your family getting thrown to the lions is for the best after all! Nothing as worthless as your famiglia should ever even exist!"

_...7 minutes..._

I stand up abruptly, my fury igniting my flame, "ENOUGH! Bad mouth me all you like Byakuran but don't you dare insult the family I breathe for!" I am practically shaking from the anger coursing through my body. I can taste it on my tongue, I can feel it in the heat of my flames. The flames engulfing my hands burn gently.

Enough is enough.

After a lengthy pause I speak, my voice coming out rougher than I would have liked.

_...6 minutes..._

"Byakuran I am willing to come to a compromise. This has gone on long enough! You have no more reason to hunt my family!" Though my voice sounds authoritative, I am actually feeling quite desperate. I know that there is no hope left for me but if I can get the attacks on my famiglia to stop, if only for a little while, then I would be more than happy.

"Hahaha!~ Now Tsunayoshi why would I do that? After all, I can tell your planning something. I might not know what, but I do." He is taunting me no _daring _me to do something stupid. I grit my teeth and steel my nerves.

"Because after we are done there is no reason for you to continue! The Vongola rings are gone, the Tri-Ni-Set will forever be incomplete and without the Arcobaleno the pacifiers are practically useless!" I am honestly getting the feeling that I am talking to a brick wall for Byakuran's face remains mocking.

"I really think I have heard enough of you. He's practically useless without his Vongola ring. Go!"

_...5 minutes..._

Byakuran's grin has turned into a sinful smirk. I can hear the resounding noises from about a dozen different weapons. The ticking from my watch is deafening, its ominous and the fact I've got less than five minutes to live does not help.

When I think that things can't get worse for me, the officers attack. Sure I have improved in combat, but I am severely outnumbered and, without my Vongola ring, I know it won't be too long before I am surrounded. It doesn't mean I do not go out with a fight.

Brand, burn, brawl, my flames are enough to repel some soldiers enough to gain my bearings.

But it's no use.

_...4 minutes..._

One, two, three...a dozen soldiers above me, below me, to the left of me, to the right, behind me, in front of me...everywhere. I'm surrounded. Caged like sewer rat, backed up against the corner like a baited bear waiting silently for it's death sentence at the hands of rabid dogs by a King who take delight in such a show. It's a Roman Carnival.

I wipe blood off my mouth and nose and steel my resolve. My body hurts so much, I have most likely got some broken ribs but I will not show it. I lift my chin up arrogantly, only demonstrating acceptance. After all, I can't do anything else.

"Such a shame you didn't bring anyone with you Tsunayoshi, the fight may have been more entertaining. But, I have to hand it to you, you don't go quietly do you?" This demon will be the death of me; literally. I feel sick looking at him. An uncharacteristic smirk lights up my features as I remember what I wrote to my famiglia, I repeat the words.

..._3 minutes..._

"Of course I don't, I never go quietly. But I know you think that my famiglia and I are doomed to fall to you and your Millfiore but I'm telling you now that that will NEVER happen because Vongola shall never die. We will never give up hope. As long as I am Vongola's leader we will never let evil like your Millefiore triumph. Vongola will keep fighting until the last child falls. We are gathering in arms and we will stay strong. We hold our heads up high with pride...pride because our resolve is pure, it's as pure as a clear blue sky."

The words ring loud, clear and true. Never have I felt something so strongly.

"Tch. On the floor with him!" Heh. So Byakuran can sneer eh? It's a more fitting expression for one so foul.

The officer behind me kicks the backs of my knees. Hard. My body buckles and ultimately collapses under my weight, exhaustion and pain. I kneel in the middle of my attackers but, despite my shaking and panting, my back is straight as I stare Byakuran right in the eyes. Who would have thought that eyes of such a bewitching colour could yield such an insane sanity and be so cold?

_...2 minutes..._

"White Spell aim."

I hear the resounding clicks and scuffles of arms and metal being raised. The tension is so thick you could cut it with a knife. I look into Irie's emerald eyes as he stands in front of me. I can see nothing but grief and regret but there's a glimmer of hope there somewhere. That's my Irie. I know that my own fiery eyes reflect nothing but deep trust and gratitude. If anyone could help my famiglia after I am gone, it would be Irie.

Whilst staring down a barrel of a gun I realized that I was mere minutes away from death. It would not be true 'death', but it is still a daunting experience. Twenty-four years old and I am about to die. Then again, I don't regret this but thought of it almost brings me to tears but I hold them back. I will never show Byakuran my tears. I will never let him see anything other than my strength.

"Fire!"

_...1 minute left..._

Time seems to stop. As shots and shouts of victory roar through the quiet night, time seems to stop. Sound seem to quieten down until all I can hear is my ragged heartbeat thundering in my ears and my watch ticking steadily. I cough out blood and land in a broken heap on the floor, shuddering. Rich and warm crimson liquid flows from me but I feel cold. I feel so tired and cold. But, at the same time, an incredible warmth spreads through me. I feel light, like a feather. It's most likely the special bullet kicking in.

The lines between this world and the next seems to blur. They blur so much I swear I can see a tall figure in a suit and fedora in the corner smiling so sadly at me. His dark eyes bore into mine, full of what I can only describe as the emotions of a mother watching her child being ripped apart right in front of her. Silly Reborn. No matter what form you are in, I will always know it's you. I smile gently at him, silently begging him not to cry but my eyes start fluttering. Tears begin to pour down his face and he tilts the fedora down to hide them. His shoulders crumple and he shakes as he sobs. I can tell his heart is broken because I have never seen him cry before. Not even when he was a minute away from his death.

I'm so, so sorry Reborn.

I would give almost anything to comfort you. To help you like you were always helping me. How you are still helping me now, watching over me, crying for me. You look at me one last time as you start to fade. I reach out to you. I don't want you to go! Don't leave me again!

Byakuran strides over and kicks my dying body, bringing me out of my misery.

"Hmph. How pitiful. To think you are Vongola Decimo." Byakuran snarls.

I let out a deep, raspy chuckle as blood trickles in torrents down my chin and the taste of iron is everywhere, my response comes out as a snarl, "Indeed I am Vongola Decimo, you will do well to remember that." With that Byakuran silences himself with an almost affronted or disgusted look.

The tapestry of my life, I fear, is being dyed a brilliant crimson but the rainbow is shining through it. My eyes close and open, never fully deciding between sleep or wakefulness. Reality becoming more and more blurry and distant, out of my reach. As I look toward the ceiling, it's like I'm walking toward a light, a place of rest. I see the faces of everyone I have ever loved all through the years. My beautiful and beloved famiglia. A small smile tugs at my lips. I feel as free as when I'm flying high up in my tranquil sky.

I can't hold on any longer. Exhaustion takes over, my eyes flutter close, my flames expire and my heartbeat falters then fades, it's still there but so quiet. My watch stutters.

I sleep now with the smile still gracing my lips.

_...12 o'clock...Doomsday..._

_...Tick...Tock...T-t-t-..._

* * *

**Hey again everyone! Thank you so much for your reviews! They have made me so happy! Sorry that it has taken awhile but here's the next chapter! Don't worry, the famiglia's reaction will be coming out sometime soon. But this was a hard chapter to write T_T. Please leave a review with comments or tips, they are much appreciated! x**


	3. Hayato Gokudera

I'm running. I'm running away and I'm running faster than I ever have in my life. Faster than when I ran away from home, faster than when I realized that my mother had passed away. I want to be alone because it is too much to take at once. There's a storm outside but I don't care. Besides a clear sky the only thing that can bring me solace is a storm, the weather I personify. I can hear some of the others trying desperately to call me back but it's useless. I'm already gone.

I rush out into the gardens, I've knocked down everyone in my way. My steps start to falter under my grief and I fall to my knees to the muddy floor. Hot tears stream down my face and my body convulses. I tear at the floor, I punch it and try to rip it apart, my hands becoming a bloody mess. My thoughts are all over the place but my mind settles on just one each and every time.

The Tenth I loyally serve is dead. My best friend, my brother, is gone.

Just like that he was taken away from me. But just yesterday he was smiling with all of us and now he's not alive anymore. He slipped right under the watchful eyes of the whole famiglia. He slipped right through my fingers.

I am distraught and reduced to incoherent screaming but I am silenced by the storm, the lightning and thunder. The tears pour down my face only to be disguised by the lashing rain. My clothes are soaked through and I can feel the cold seep to my very bones, but that is not as cold as the chills running up and down my spine. I begin to choke on my own sorrow and anguish, shivering violently. I can't hold myself up anymore, all strength fades from my arms and I collapse helplessly to the floor. My loud sobs wrack my body, soon I won't have any tears left to cry.

My boss' words ring constantly in my ears,

_"I want everyone to feel hope to even though that seems like such a foreign concept now."_

But Tenth, don't you understand? Hope was you. It was _you_! Without you we do not even have a fighting chance against the Millefiore. You were the great sky who gave us a hope of a better day. Of a clear sky and gentle winds. Without you, the family will collapse as there is no vast firmament to hold us all together. You were the one who gave me and the others a place to call 'home'.

Unlike my father, you never lied to me. Unlike my mother, you were allowed to be close to me. You were the only person in this world who _knew _me. But despite everything, you _accepted _me for _me. _You understood that I would never be anyone other than Hayato Gokudera. You loved me. And in return I gave you my own love. I became your sword and shield, a loyal right-hand man who was willing to go to the ends of the Earth just to be with you and make sure that you wouldn't have to face trouble alone. It wouldn't matter if the whole world gathered in arms against you, or if everyone you loved abandoned you, I would remain at your side for eternity.

But I've failed you. No matter what you say Tenth, no matter how much you forbid it, I know in my heart I have failed you. Why else would you not talk to me about going to the Millefiore alone? It makes me sick.

Literally.

I lift my exhausted body on all fours to heave on the floor next to me. Disgusting. The images of the Tenth getting gunned down in a fury of bullets, of the Tenth dying all alone and of that white-haired bastard humiliating him don't stop running through my head. I can't get rid of them. I hold my head in pain, my tears still won't stop. With the energy I have left I crawl away from my sick and I fall to the soaking ground. I still have a hold of my throbbing head and I curl my body in a fetal position; I look truly vulnerable.

My thoughts are disturbed by the sound of footsteps coming towards me. I really want to tell them where to go but my throat is raw from screaming.

"Hey Hayato? Hayato! Your gonna end up really sick if you stay there! What were you thinking? I've been looking for you everywhere!"

Perfect. It's the baseball idiot. Just the person I need to see or hear from.

"Go away. Leave me." I intended for that statement to come out as at least a snarl, but it ended up being a whimper instead. He squats down next to me and tries to fuss. I try to bat his hands away but I can barely raise them. I glare at him as he brushes my bangs out of my face.

"No! I can't leave you! This storm is really bad!" Concern and empathy resounded in his voice.

I suddenly feel large hands around me but before I can say anything beyond a gasp, I am being lifted into the air, carried bridal style and cradled gently into a strong chest. I really want to protest but I don't. I have no energy and it feels nice to be carried so tenderly. I'd never admit it but I feel so nostalgic. My mother, my beautiful mother carried me in her arms just like this so many years ago.

* * *

Takeshi helped me to my room and is now waiting while I take a shower. The warm, soothing water lightly massages my sinewy muscles. But it did not sooth away my depression. I finished and got out of the shower to get dry and dressed. The cool air made goosebumps appear on my lightly tanned skin and it made me shiver lightly. As I now look at my face in the mirror a small smile tugged at my lips. The tenth would be crippled by worry if he could see me like this. My skin is pale and has an unsightly green tinge to it, my eyes are bloodshot and lifeless but just thinking about my boss fussing like a mother hen like he did makes me smile, even if it's just for a little while. I notice that the smile doesn't reach my eyes. They reflect the deep emptiness within me.

I finish dressing and I find Tekeshi still in my room. He just doesn't know when to quit. I lift an elegant silver eyebrow at him in question. He replies with a ghost of his former smile and he looks me in the eyes. They're just as empty as mine.

"Sorry, I know you probably want to be alone right now but your hands were bleeding badly before I brought you inside and I want to clean them up and bandage them. We can't have them becoming infected now can we?"

His voice wavers and cracks in several places, I can tell he's trying hard to keep his distress in check. So I humor him,

"Alright. Have it your way."

I sit on my bed in front of him, I notice he's gotten changed too. Good, I don't think I can handle my sheets getting soaked. I feel like anything, even something as small as that, can make me snap. It's awfully quiet except for the occasional hiss from me because the disinfectant stings like hell and the resulting apologies from Takeshi. But then he breaks the bleak silence.

"You know, you can always talk to me and the other guys. We're feeling exactly the same as you. Even Hibari and Mukuro. Heh, Hibari has destroyed five rooms in the last hour and, according to Chrome, Mukuro was violently trying to free himself from his restraints and was apparently even crying. The Vendice had to sedate him. Hey, Hayato, you listening?"

"Shut up. Your sympathy is wasted on a failure like me. You will _never_ understand how I feel right now." I glare up at him but then turn away in shame.

"What do you mean a failure like you? You're not a failure and Hayato, I honestly don't want to sound...insensitive but _everyone _feels the same as you do. We have _all _lost something precious to us now and in the last year. Even the maids and work men around the manor are mourning Tsuna's...you know. They haven't stopped crying since they were all told the...news. They really loved Tsuna."

I can tell he's trying so hard not to snap but it still does not sit well with me. Who was this man to tell me I am not a failure? He didn't understand.

"But dammit Takeshi-" I growl out lowly but I can't keep my emotions in check anymore. The sound of my brittle control snapping is almost audible, "-THEY NEVER LOVED TSUNA AS MUCH AS I DID! AND NOW...and now-" I break down and start crying again, "I love him so much! He was my first friend...ever. He was my brother! That's my brother whose been gunned down Takeshi! That's my brother who has been sacrificed like a lamb at the slaughter! And he's now lying in a coffin instead of being with us! All my life I've been denied, rejected, humiliated...hurt, but then I met him and for once, I felt like I was allowed to love someone. But I failed him, I failed to notice what he was doing and now he's gone...oh God Takeshi..."

I break down completely out of sheer grief and desperation. Tsuna was the only life line I had. Takeshi tries to sooth me by rubbing my back and I calm down a little bit. Enough to talk anyways.

"Hey, you know, that's the first time I've ever heard you call Tsuna _'Tsuna', _just his name. I know how much you loved him and still do. I know for sure that he loves you too. But we can't give up hope. Didn't you listen to his letter?"

Yeah, I never did call him by his name did I? Heh, I regret that too but I'm not as embarrassed as I though I'd be. I shake my head. Takeshi still doesn't get it!

"You don't...get it. You don't understand! _Tsuna _was our hope. The Millfiore are taking away _everything_ from us and it's never enough for them. They'll keep on taking, and taking, and taking until there is nothing left to take! First Reborn and the Arcobaleno, then your father, the Ninth and now Tsuna. They'll come for my sister, Fuuta, Basil, Haru, Kyoko, I-Pin, Nana, Iemitsu, us guardians...even those that don't even have a direct association with us like Hana. We are being cornered like rats and I know we need to stay strong and have hope, believe me I know, but I just don't know how we can get through this without Tsuna. Dammit Takeshi...I know there has to be a way through this but at the moment_ I just can't see one_!"

Silence descended upon the room after my sermon. I was panting lightly and holding my head in a desperate attempt to hold myself together. Takeshi speaks up.

"Well I don't think Tsuna would have left us without leaving some way to get through this, together. He loves us way too much for that."

"I hope your right because at the moment...I really don't think I can go on another day without him. It's been less than a few hours but I miss him. I miss him so much. And I'm _tired_ Takeshi. I'm walking a really lonely road right now and I'm tired. I keep on asking God _'why?' _Why did he let this happen to our-" I pause to try and think of the right word, "- to our _miracle_? And I get no answer. And it's like...I'm missing a piece of my heart, my soul. It hurts-" I inhale deeply and exhale shakily, I'm trying so hard to not break down all over again. With my vision foggy from tears and my voice cracking, I lift my hand to my heart and I place it there, tapping it gently, "-Right here, it hurts and it's empty. The emptiness hurts-" I lift both hands to my head, "-my head, it's swimming with so many thoughts, Takeshi, it's like pieces of glass are being ground against it. Do you understand? I don't think I can survive like this-"

I am cut off abruptly by Takeshi throwing his arms around me and crushing me into his chest. I can feel his tears falling on my hair, but I just can't bring myself to care.

"I understand. I _understand _Hayato. We all feel the same. But you can't forget what Tsuna wrote to you. What he wrote especially for you-" He squeezes me, his breathing heavy and labored, and whispers vehemently in my ear, "-_Live. _You are Tsuna's right-hand man. There's a reason why he picked you. If anyone in this world is gonna help us now it's going to be you. We need you Hayato. And Hayato, there's more to this. There is something we're missing completely. I can feel it deep inside. We're not...noticing something."

I look up at Takeshi through my bangs. Silently questioning him and demanding him. What he said hit a nerve within me. I have to be strong for Tsuna now that he's not here. But the last part of Takeshi's sentence...it confuses me. He spoke in a voice barely above a whisper, like what he was about to say couldn't be heard by anyone else. He rubs his head and answers me.

"I think...I think Tsuna has a plan. I mean I know you all think I'm stupid, that I don't pick up on things and though most of the time I don't, you'd be surprised by how observant I can be when it matters. In the letter didn't you notice how Tsuna never actually said he was going to die? He said stuff like _'This is not the end, believe it or not you will see me again, maybe sooner than you think.' _And he always talked about having a plan so we're just gonna have to trust him as always."

I see the truth of those words after a few minutes of rolling the idea around my head. I wipe my tears and answer the man in front of me, "Well damn, we should tell the others at dinner but-" I push him away gently with a small smile and I lay down on my bed, "-let me grieve for a bit. I'm sure you're upset too. Thanks for helping me out by the way..."

I could tell Takeshi was smiling gently. Sure we argued a lot when we were younger, to be honest we still do now, but we are best friends. We _always _had each others backs and nothing would ever change that. After all, where there's a storm there's rain.

"Thanks Hayato and no problem."

I hear him creep out of my room quietly leaving me to my thoughts. I release a shuddering sigh. I'm exhausted, in pain but most of all a deep sadness has etched its way into my heart. I close my eyes as I remember how all of the guardians even Hibari and Mukuro, who was mentally communicating with Chrome, rushed down to breakfast only to find our beloved boss wasn't there. We were told that he had gone to get a glass of water and never returned. We searched high and low but no matter how hard we tried we still couldn't find him and a storm was brewing. We burst into his office, pretty much breaking the once locked door off it's hinges and instead of finding a tired brunette working away diligently, we found an empty room and utter silence. It was me who found the letter and it was me who read it out. Such a simple and quaint letter, but the content had broken all our hearts. I slammed the letter down after reading it and my flame ignited with the grief and shock I was feeling. The room had become silent and I knew I couldn't stay there anymore. So I ran. I ran out into the storm screaming to the heavens to give me my Tsuna back. I screamed at a God I'm not ever sure is there anymore because he certainly turned a blind eye to me.

I don't know when but I fell asleep sometime during my thinking. I had fallen asleep with un-shed tears tucked safely behind my lashes.

I dreamed too.

I dreamed of a happier, more sinless time. A younger time with a younger famiglia relaxing on Nami middle's roof. It was the last day of term and Ryohei, Chrome, Haru, Lambo, I-Pin and even Hibari came along too to chill on the roof before going to Tsuna's house to celebrate our graduation. Hell, Mukuro even took over Chrome for a while to join in the celebrations and nap on our beloved boss' lap, much to my displeasure. But I found myself watching Tsuna. He was so happy. Always so happy. And the strengthened bonds between the family, and the fact that there were no more ill feelings between him and his famiglia only added to his joy. It added to my joy. His happiness was my happiness. How oxymoronic. How undeniably selfish and so incredibly selfless. All at the same time.

* * *

It's been a couple of long days since the boss...'passed away'. I visit him every single day without fail and he is always protected by the most trusted Vongola subordinates. He's safe. I sometimes sit next to him like I am now, crying shamelessly whilst cradling his coffin (well I don't even have anymore tears now), and I tell him about the day. I tell him my fears and I tell him how much I miss him because dammit...even in 'death' he looks so peaceful, like he's only sleeping on a bed of pure white lilies with a small smile gracing his ice cold face. I tell him how I had to stand in front of the Vongola Famiglia in its entirety and tell them their sky was gone, how I had to call Kyoko, Haru, I-Pin..._everyone_ and tell them all the news. It was so...it was _so fucking hard_. I tell him how his mama cries for him, how her heart _bleeds_ for him. How no one can console her and how Iemitsu, despite his own grief, took her away to Italy, being in Japan was just too painful. And Iemitsu...that man could smile for the world and now it's like he's never heard of the word let alone commited the act. Dead, the Nana and Iemitsu we all know are dead and grief fueled corpses have being left in their wake. It's _painful _to watch. But, I also tell Tsuna about how we're all standing together in this and how we trust him and love him very much.

As I look towards the sky whilst sitting on the grass next to my brother, I can't help but believe with all my heart that, somehow, it'll all be OK. That, somehow, we'd all get through this _together_. No one missing, no one taken away. I look back down and my eyes drift towards a small, quaint black coffin. Right next to Tsuna in a small part of the clearing that's kinda hard to see. We'd visit it every time we got a chance. But everyday...Tsuna would visit it every single day. Well, we thought it was fitting that they'd continue to be together.

"Hello Reborn."

A small and rare smile graces my lips. Yes, even in paradise they can still be together.

I get up quietly to toss my cigarette away. Hell if I'm going to throw it near my beloved boss' grave. But I hear an explosion. Shit. I run back as fast as I can, what if someone has launched an attack? Tsuna just simply _cannot _get hurt. I find my way back into the clearing and I stop abruptly. My jaw drops of it's hinges.

_It can't be. _

Right there, coming out of the coffin is Tsuna. _Tsuna. _As alive and well as I remember. But he's...smaller, more fragile looking, he looks dazed and confused. He spots me,

"H-huh? That face, it can't be..."

"...TENTH!"

His voice is slightly higher than I'm used to nowadays. It's sweet. I run to him and embrace him for all I'm worth. Even on my knees he only comes up to my chest whilst kneeling himself. He squeaks in surprise. He's so...so small, just like I remember him. I'm slightly confused, he was much, much taller. But I guess it might be because he's not the Tsuna of _this_ time. It doesn't matter though. The feelings of grief surge up my throat with a vengeance, I can hardly breathe. I don't want to let this boy go again. I blurt out what I've wanted to say properly for days,

"I'm sorry! I'm so sorry!"

But he doesn't really get why I am apologizing, he's Tsuna from ten years ago, not now.

"I'm sure it's hard to believe, and I don't know how, but...I was...I was hit by Lambo's 10 year bazooka by accident."

I was right. Damn only five minutes then. Even now God chooses to be so cruel. I feel my heart breaking more but I steel myself, I can't let anybody down now.

"Listen carefully Boss. Please, when you return to the past, you must remember this moment and do exactly as I say. There's no time for details. When you get back, you must eliminate this person immediately!" Now if I remember correctly...

Wait for it...

"W-WHAT!"

Hmm, yes Tsuna would always used to get like this at the thought of getting rid of someone. He still does but on a much calmer scale. I show him a picture of Irie,

"This is a picture of him from this time. You should know him from your freshman year of middle school..."

"Eh? Who is this? Did you say eliminate!"

Heh, the boss really is kind. But he can't hesitate. I'd do almost anything to stop this future from happening.

"There is no need to hesitate!"

"No, but wait a minute! By _eliminate _you mean _to kill _right?"

I know it'll really confuse him, but I don't have much choice left,

"If only that guy didn't exist, Byakuran wouldn't be like this."

Yes, that name should be forever engraved in his memory. For as long as I live I will _never _forgive that man. I was going to tell Tsuna something else just as a precaution, but his next question makes my words whither and die in my mouth, my heart almost explodes with pain.

"Umm, one thing that's been bugging me...why is my future self in a coffin?"

My jaw locks and I brace myself all over again,

"T-that's because-"

I can barely get a word in edge ways before I'm consumed by a puff of pink smoke and a pure white light. Soft piano music flutters through the air. I see Tsuna next to me, smiling just as peacefully in the coffin. I grin so happily for the first time in _days_. Tears of joys trace the contours of my face. Ah, so this is what he meant. Hmm, it may not be paradise but yes, even in _this_ paradise, my brother and I can still be together. All I can do now is pray. I feel so tired but I don't feel so lonely anymore. A warmth bursts through me and peace is the only thing around for miles and miles. I shut my eyes sleepily and join Tsuna happily in this temporary rest.

It's all down to the boss now.

* * *

**Hey everyone! So sorry this took a while, one word 'exams'. T_T but i really hope you like this chapter and thank you so much for your support thus far! x**


	4. Takeshi Yamamoto

**Hey everyone! As you can guess this is from Yamamoto's point of view. Just wanted to say thank you for all the kind reviews and I always strive to reply to them! But there are some I couldn't reply to because some do not have an account but I appreciate these reviews just as much! So thank you to 10th Squad 3rd Seat, Blushband and Syrlai!**

**Hope you enjoy this chapter!  
**

* * *

I've always liked the rain. Always. As a kid I would run outside on a rainy day to splish and splash in the puddles and relish in the gentle feel of cold pebbles falling from the heavens colliding with my skin. My Pops would always come out with the intention of bringing my inside but it was all in vain. A few minutes after coming outside he would have me atop his shoulders and we would sing our hearts out while running in the refreshing down pour. Put it down to both our own preferences or that my Ma loved the rain but it was always a..._great _thing when it rained. Ma's love for it couldn't help but rub off on both my pops and I and, after her death many years before, it was a gentle reminder of what once was. It allowed us to be with her once again in a strange sort of way. It's a lot like Hayato and the piano. The piano, for him, is a reminder of what once was.

But as look out my window now I simply cannot help but hate the rain. Loathe it even. Because it's thunderous in sound and since we read Tsuna's letter over seven hours ago, it hasn't stopped. I can't help but think that it looks like the sky is mourning and crying. Heh, it's like Tsuna is crying. Silent tears pour down my face continuously, just like the rain drops on the windows dragged downwards by gravity. Just like the rain outside.

It's silent and dark in my room. I don't think I could bare any noise just yet and light...well, until the morning comes that's out of the question. All light pales in comparison to the thought of having my Pops and Tsuna back. I run a hand through my hair. God help me I have never felt so lost. First my father and now the man I considered my brother? It's too much...it's way too much. I haven't moved from my position beside my bedroom window since I left Hayato. That was over five hours ago. I can't help but try to get my head around the fact that tomorrow, and the day after and who knows how long after that, we would be carrying on this battle without our sky. It's like...trying to eat soup with a fork. Sure it's not _impossible _but it's so hard to do. I honestly can't think of a better way to put it. But no matter, we'll do it. Vongola will do it. We have to; loosing was never an option and victory was always a must. I have nothing if not absolute trust that Tsuna has something up his sleeve. But this hope doesn't help to extinguish the pain I, or any of family for that matter, feel. It's _hard. _Sure Tsuna said to have hope, to gather in arms, to be patient...but we didn't even get a _plan. _And I can seriously see where Hayato was coming from,

_'We are being cornered like rats and I know we need to stay strong and have hope, believe me I know, but I just don't know how we can get through this without Tsuna. Dammit Takeshi...I know there has to be a way through this but at the moment I just can't see one!'_

I understand him completely. His words on how he felt...how the emptiness in his heart hurt...everything. They make sense and _everyone_ feels the same. It's not just about how the Vongola family feel but about how we all feel as people and as a _family_. In all my twenty-four years of life, I never expected to feel like this and, for as long as I live, I _never _want to feel like this again. I don't think my heart could take it.

A humorless laugh escapes my lips as memories come back to me. Memories of a happier, more sinless time. A younger time with a younger famiglia enjoying the afternoon sun at the park came to mind. Back when everything was pretty _simple_. Well yeah, sure, we had our moments of difficulty but our only wish was to all be together. To smile, laugh and fight side-by-side. Of Hayato shouting at me or Lambo or Ryohei for God knows what, of I-Pin, Lambo and Fuuta running around merrily, of the girls chatting away happily with Bianchi whilst Chrome smiled sweetly and listened, of Hibari napping against a tree with a huge scowl on his face, of Mukuro popping up for a while to spend time with us, it was his only true escape from his prison (even if it was only for a little while). But most of all it was the look of absolute joy written all over Tsuna's face when he got over the fact that the baby had suddenly landed on his head, as per usual. Of all of us going back to my Old Man's sushi diner and having him welcome us all warmly.

It was when I realized that the Mafia wasn't a game we simply played and we were all in it together for the long haul.

But I remember, my mouth now a somber line on my face, when I started thinking that there was more to this 'game' than I had originally thought. I know I was a bit of an air head but there was no mistaking the murderous intent of a group of killers, of watching my friends win, loose and suffer, of the feel of Squalo's sword slicing my flesh, of the burning need to prove myself, of the searing pain of poison in my veins...of thinking that the days were numbered. No, there's no mistaking that.

But there was no mistaking the almost painful relief when, no matter how battered we were, no matter if we won or lost, we would return alive. The joy we all felt when we proved our worth and came out victorious fair-and-square. We weren't the butt of the Varia's jokes and we could all see the vicious gleam of pride, relief and joy in the baby's eyes. We finally made our mark as a complete family and it felt _good._

But now...those great feelings are being taken away and we're barely hanging on. Without Tsuna, the baby, the Ninth or even the Varia we are just weak and ignorant middle schoolers all over again. And no matter how much we try...it just never seems to be _enough. _Just a few days ago the Vongola head quarters was attacked and now it lies in ruins. Four hundred years of history and memories gone within a few minutes. Our second home, which was eventually going to be our official home when full power was transferred to Tsuna when the Ninth passed away was obliterated. We barely have a home to return to and the Ninth is gone; he disappeared in that attack. The underground base is good for now but it's not..._home. _I can't explain it but the base is so full of tension and we can never rest peacefully like you can in a _home. _It's walls are bare and not cosy unlike in a _home. _But beggars can't be choosers.

I'm kinda glad that my Old Man isn't alive to see all this. To see this destruction and uncertainty. I couldn't even break it to him that I am in the mafia. I guess it gives me a bigger reason to keep on fighting, so that everyone (on the whole) can have parents to return to when all is said and done. I don't think I could bare to have him suffering anymore than before he died. I have to swallow a lump in my throat; the pain of loosing him is still too fresh and raw. I also feel like a let down. I was right there with him trying so hard to defend him and yes I defeated all the Millefiore grunts, but they still took out my Dad. I wasn't strong enough to protect him just like I wasn't strong enough to protect Tsuna. The scar on my chin is my everyday reminder of how I tried so hard to defend him but it's also the proof of how I failed...how I wasn't strong enough and how my resolution was as weak as I am. My own father and brother. I couldn't save either of them and that will haunt me for eternity. It would be nice though to have him around, just to know he's still around and that I can talk to him readily. I really miss him and Tsuna.

I can't dwell on that though. I have to have absolute faith in Tsuna. He hasn't failed me before. How could I ever doubt the man who once saved me from throwing myself off a roof? How could I ever repay his kindness and his friendship with doubt? It would be like chucking those gifts right back into his face. What kind of person would I be if I did that? I know who I'd be. I'd be just like the Millefiore and for as long as my heart still beats (and even beyond that), I will _never _become like that. I have to make Tsuna and my Pops proud. Proud to say that I'm their brother and son. So I will keep strong and I will keep my head held high no matter how painful life is at the moment.

A sob forces it's way out of my mouth and my breath hitches. I shudder uncontrollably as I run my hands through my hair. Yeah, life is really_ painful_ at the moment. The pain is raw and sensitive. It strikes me at every waking moment and even my dreams are plagued with it; turning them into nightmares. It's honestly not fair at all. Just like Hayato, just like everyone, I'm asking God _'Why?'_ How can he stand by while we suffer so? While the whole word suffers? While the world looses it's kindest and one of it's most precious people? Was he there when Tsuna was gunned down? Is he with him now? To be honest, I could spend a lifetime trying to figure out the answer to those questions (and questions like them) but it wouldn't matter. I would never get a straight answer anyway.

I look down at my watch. 10pm it reads. I've missed dinner by a long while but I'm sure nobody is hungry, I know I'm not but it doesn't hurt to eat _something. _After all, I haven't eaten since yesterday. I get up stretch my stiff limbs. I go to my bathroom and wash my face, horrified at my haggard appearance in my mirror. Is that really me? My eyes are lifeless, my usually spiky hair is drooping, my mouth is a firm line carved into my face, my skin is sick-looking, I could go on and on and on. It's amazing how stress and grief can change a person so much.

I change my suit for more comfortable jogging bottoms and a polo shirt and I make my way out of my room. As I grab my door knob a thought comes to me. What am I doing? I said I would keep my head held high and be strong yet I'm walking out my door with my head hung low! If I carry on like this... No, I have to rise above the pain and trust Tsuna. He has _something _up his sleeve and I just have to believe in him. I can't keep waiting for people to pick me up every time I'm down and out. We've _all _been stuck in our rooms, I know because the mansion is eerily silent. We can't do that! We need to stick together and figure something out. After today we can't afford to wallow in our misery. Today we will rest and grieve but tomorrow we have to work and grieve.

As I exit my room, feeling more centered, I can't help but let memories come back to me. I cherish those everyday moments of happiness and I never realized how much I overlook them. A small smile graces my lips. Yes, our happiness is being ripped from under us, the darkness overwhelming but slowly but surely, we will be happy again. Definitely not now, maybe not next week or in another decade that's yet to come. But we will be happy with no one missing and no one taken away. I can feel it in my bones. Though the grief runs through my veins I can feel hope. It's small but it's there.

_'I'm hopeful that in a while this will all just be a nightmare and we'll wake up to a bright sky...The day where we will laugh and cry freely with joy is not far from coming. '_

Yeah. Yeah Tsuna I can feel it and I _believe_ it. The hope is so fragile but it's the strongest thing I've ever felt. It's even stronger than the grief. I'm just as hopeful as you. So I'll wait and I'll work to make sure that one day, maybe sooner than we think, we can find our sky pure and clear, free from misery and pain. Yeah, I'll work hard to make you and Pops proud of me. Helping to win this battle is the least I could do after all you both have done for me. If I can't bring you to back then I'll continue living. I'll continue living everyday in your memories.

I've never regretted following you Tsuna. My life, when I look back on it now, was pretty boring and empty before you became my friend. I may have not even had a life. You saved me from ending it after all. What a waste that would have been. I feel centered and secure. I feel like I _belong_. Like I was meant to be with you and our rag-tag family. Like destiny decided to shine upon me when she chose the life I was to have. She still gave me the option to walk away but I couldn't. I could never walk away because, even after all the pain, I would still follow you to the ends of the Earth, straight through hell and back just to follow you. I have never known such sadness as I feel now, but I have never felt happier than when we were all together. So no matter what happens now just know I've never regretted meeting you even though you sometimes think that it would have been better that none of us ever had.

A small smile etches its way onto my face as tears still slide like torrents down my face. No use wiping them. I look up, distress still strong but a vicious air of determination settles in me. I look towards the windows and see the rain has calmed outside. It looks more like the rain I know and love. The rain my Ma and Pops loved.

Regret? No.

I could never regret anything Tsuna.

* * *

**I really wanted to convey not only feelings of sadness in this chapter but also feelings of hope, I hope I got it right ^_^' But I did enjoy writing this chapter even though is kinda short. But that's the kinda person Yamamoto is to me; his says things simply and to the point. :D Any tips and comments will be welcomed with open arms! **


	5. Ryohei Sasagawa

**Hey everyone! Thank you so very much for the reviews and hits I got on the last chapter, it make me very happy to know that you like my work! I hope that you all, and any new readers like this chapter just as much! :D**

* * *

"_Ladies and gentlemen, the Captain has turned off the 'Fasten Seat Belt' sign and you may now move around the cabin. However we always recommend that you keep your seat belt fastened while you're seated. You may now turn on your electronic devices..."_

I don't move. I don't move because I don't want to...I don't _care_ so much anymore. I always felt an extreme urge to just simply _move_ but now...but now I can can see the sense in stillness. Though the absolute _need_ for movement is never fully gone. It's always there, festering in the back of my mind. Though things have gone by in a blurry whirlwind, my mind is being left behind. As my body moves automatically and the world continues to live, my mind's not keeping up. It's extremely _frustrating. _I honestly don't_ need _the frustration added to my stress, my confusion and my grief.

It's been about a week since Tsuna passed away, the days just sort of fly by and run into each other. Day is night, night is day and yesterday is tomorrow and today. I don't pay much attention. He's gone and that's the only thing that really makes the days different. But it's like Octopus Head was saying the other day,

_"It's incredible. Look at him, just_ _**look** at him resting on the lilies. The Tenth looks like he's just sleeping...it's just incredible. He looks like he could wake up any moment now. It makes me want to never do anything but shake him and call out his name over, and over, and over again just to see if he will finally wake up and answer me...answer us."_

Yeah I wanted to shout his name and shake him until he woke up somehow. It looked easy. But it's useless isn't it? He's gone but he's not gone at the same time. It's confusing but there's nothing we can do but keep calm and carry on*. I don't know how we're going to do it but I'm just going to have to trust Tsuna, I have to trust my little brother. I can feel the tears lump together in the back of my throat, threatening to cascade down my face and it hurts.

I can't help but feel confused. I feel I should be annoyed at Tsuna for dragging Kyoko into this, for taking matters into his own hands but I don't. I don't feel that way because it's not his fault and I don't feel annoyed at him at all! Although I'm upset he left us all without telling us what he was thinking in regards to his plan, I respect him to the extreme! He treats all of us like family and sticks his neck out for us at the most difficult of times. He loved us enough to willingly go to the Millefiore alone. Why else would he do it if it wasn't out of love? That weak, shy little boy grew into a calm, strong, reliable friend, brother and boss. He's never let us down so why would he start now? He can't be gone. It can't be that...that _simple_! But no matter how much my mind goes over it all, I can't get past the sadness and the loneliness to see anything else. I have to snap out of it though, I'm seeing the Varia in about ten (or so) hours and I have to explain everything. Octopus-head already told them the basics and I just have to cover the rest, tell them our plan, their part in it and there is so much to do...

"Sir...Sir! Erm, s-sorry about that but I've been calling you for a while..."

A short air hostess with straight greying hair and timid eyes looked down at me worriedly. Though she looked old enough to be my mother, it kind of reminds me of Hana's worried expression...I must have really been extremely out of it.

"No, I'm extremely sorry. What were you going to ask me?"

With a gentle, and strangely _knowing_, smile she merely asked if I wanted anything to eat or drink, so I got some food and she left me to my own devices again soon after. I was glad she didn't ask me what was wrong. There's no need to re-open gaping and infected wounds again. I felt the comfort of my old box weapon at my waist. It wasn't my Vongola box, but one of my old boxes, but, it was a comfort all the same. I never understood why Tsuna took them away. I could also feel the weight of my boxing gloves upon my feet in the bag on the floor near me. At least I wasn't defenceless.

I don't know how the Varia are going to react to the news. Sure our family's relationship has improved greatly over a decade (though a lot of bitterness and annoyance remain mainly on Xanxus side and what's that other guy's name? Le...lev...Levi! Yeah something like that, his side too!) but I still don't know how they'll react. I don't know how I'm going to react to how they're going to react and it frustrates me to the extreme! It's another problem I just don't _need. _Will they be upset? Angry? Happy? Will they blame the Millefiore? Us? Tsuna himself? Too many questions I just don't have the answer to.

There's no use thinking about all this now.

I look around the plane. Memories flood back to me. Memories of a happier, more sinless time. A younger time with a younger famiglia on our first plane flight to Italy. This was about five or six years ago? I don't know, I always forget! We were going to see the Ninth and the Varia and meet a lot of the Vongola generals and captains. We were also going to go free Mukuro I think. We spent so much time arguing about that particular issue (Takeshi, Lambo, Chrome, Hibari and I had no problems. Well Hibari just wanted to fight him. Master Pao Pao and Octopus-head Hayato had extremely different ideas!) but Tsuna was so ademant that he wanted him out. There was just no swaying him. We were all so worried in one way or another. Would the Ninth like us all? Would Vongola accept us? How would Mukuro act? Will the plane suddenly hit a mountain and send us plummeting to our untimely doom? More importantly, was Italian food even nice? It didn't matter because despite the worries we were just so happy that we were all in it _together. _

I remember looking around the plane, in a half-asleep stupour mind you, and just seeing a happy group of people. Our defences, though not completely relaxed, were set aside for the while. I remember thinking, _'When did we get this close?' _I saw Tsuna cradle the Master Pao Pao gently in his arms and I saw how Takeshi and Hayato slumped against him. I saw how Chrome, my sister, Octopus-Head's sister and Haru giggled as they gossiped quietly. I saw I-Pin, Lambo and Fuuta all huddled together in that strange yet endearing boneless flop that only seems to come naturally to children. I saw how Hibari, even though he was further away, just simply relaxed and eased up enough to sleep soundly. I saw how Basil so casually rested on his seat beside me. We all became so comfortable with each other. I saw all of this, but what I saw the most was Tsuna gentle smile as his eyes scanned over the family, always making sure we were alright.

_Yeah I might be extremely forgetful, but I'll never, **never, **forget things like that._

But now I feel so very lonely on this plane right now. It's a public flight, it's way too risky to fly the private Vongola planes. They basically scream out '_Hey Millefiore! There's loads of Vongola on this flight! Come get it!' _(Lambo coined that phrase a while ago, made us laugh for days despite our situation). Though flying with the innocent public is never a really good idea in general when it comes to us mafia, it's the most sensible idea at the moment. There's not a lot of people on this flight, there's only about ten other people? But it's never the same really is it? It's basically just me, on my own, with a bunch of strangers. I feel hollow and the journey doesn't give me the same pleasure it usually does. I feel as if I can't...I can't cry, I can't laugh or do _anything_ without gaining unwanted attention! There is no family to comfort or help me here.

I cried my share of tears over the past few day but my extreme body always seem to have more on stand-by. I cry because of Tsuna, I cry because of my sister's pain and confusion, I cry for Master Colonello and Master Pao Pao, I cry because of everyone's pain and I cry for my pain. As much as everyone wants to believe I'm stupid or slow- I'm not. I never have been. Sure maybe just a little bit and sure I forget a lot of stuff and I'm really loud, crazy and _extreme _but I've never been _stupid. _I've just never seen the need to be all serious and get worked up over everything. Negative feelings are just like a rocking chair, rock all you like but you know where it will get you in the end? Nowhere. You'll still be in the exact same place. I _know _how much trouble we're all in, I _know _how close we are to loosing this war, to dying but I have a feeling deep within my heart that we're so close to _winning _too. I can't explain it but as soon as Tsuna 'died' I could feel it. This extreme feeling of hope. Hope that we'll all make is through this and that we'll finally be happy with no one missing and no one taken away. We just have to fight it out just a bit more and we'll be fine.

Though we all feel that we're alone, we're not! We're not alone because we have each other. No matter where we are, dead, alive or even in between. _We're all in this together._

As I look out the window I can't help but see just how blue the sky is and how beautiful the white clouds look beneath it and the sun looks within it. The piercing radiance is just stunning. I don't think I would have noticed if I wasn't so _still. _I can't help but smile because, Tsuna, it reminds me of you. I'm always going to be there fighting for you and with you because I'm the sun that brightly shines upon you. Yeah, we'll achieve this picture in our lives soon won't we? I hope and pray to God we will because I can't imgine life without you and our rag-tag family. Life without all of you is just meaningless really.

I bow my head and hide my eyes under my hands, as if I am shielding them from the blazing light filtering through my window. The silent tears slide down my tanned skin. The stillness is starting to drive me mad. For all it's worth, stillness is driving me insane. I can't stay still for long. Stillness only leaves an opening for terrible thoughts and even worse feelings to burst forth and consume me. For memories to engulf me and sorrow to drown me

"S-sir? Erm...I am sorry if I'm being a bit forward but...is everything OK?"

Ahh, it's the lady from before. I've always hated lying I guess,

"Haha, now that you mention it no, no I'm not. I've just had to hide it for a long, long time you see. My little bro died about a week ago. Can you understand, even if it's just a little bit, how empty I feel? This sadness...no, I don't ever want to feel this again."

I stared into her glassy eyes and I saw understanding.

"I'm really sorry Sir. I know that feels. My son died a few months ago. I felt like my whole world was crashing down around me, you know?-"

She touched my arm gently and gave me a warm smile,

"-But we just have to pick ourselves up because our loved ones wouldn't want us to feel so sad. You'll never forget the pain but...in time, the world will seem just a little bit kinder because you'll always have the good memories too..."

We talked for a while and I felt a bit more centred. I found it amazing that even on this lonely plane, there are other people hurting just as much as me. You get so caught up in your own pain that you forget that other people are hurting too. I know that as soon as I get the chance, I will call everyone. Hana, Kyoko and even Octopus-head and Hibari. Every single moment now is precious. I can't waste them or take them for granted because they could be gone in an instant. That thought sends and extremely cold shiver up my spine.

For the rest of the plane flight I sat there in my seat, looking out blankly into the distance, just thinking and readying myself to face the Varia. But I've made a solemn promise to myself, one I will live to keep.

Tsuna, I swear this now. I swear on the sky and sun just outside this window. I will fight. Like a true man I will stay strong and see this through no matter what. You did not do what you did for it to go to waste. Your death will not be in vain.

I wipe the cold tears from my face, resolution burns in my eyes.

Yeah, the future is unclear and the pain in my heart is so bad I feel like I could break completely. But I think as long as I keep moving, even though stillness is sometimes a good thing, I think that...as long as I remember _who I am _and keep my pride...I think I'll be OK.

Because, after all, when have I ever being good at keeping still anyway?

* * *

**Well that's that for now! I have never even considered writing from Ryohei's point of view, but I'm glad I did. To me he's a pretty complex character and a lot can be said and inferred about him. I wanted to show that he has gained some levelheadedness in 10 years and that the death of someone very close to you can knock the extremeness out of someone who is as extreme as Ryohei, I can't imagine him being so energetic after his best friend has died, you know? Praying to God that he isn't too OOC. I know OCs aren't everyone's cup of tea but those in the Vongola have to socialize with others at _some _point right? I really hope I did a good job! Reviews are much appreciated as always!~ x**

Oh and by the way...

*Keep calm and carry on. This is an English phrase first used in World War II. It's self explanatory I guess :P


End file.
